Thoughts on my first day of school

Just to warn you ahead of time so you can't say you weren't warned.... this one will be long and could possibly turn sappy. Oh... and just learned LeRoi Moore, the saxophonist for the Dave Matthews Band passed away yesterday at 47. I'm crushed. But anyway.... on to the first day of school......
I set foot in a college classroom today for the first time in 8 yrs. William and I have enrolled in school this fall.... he is attending EMCC full time and I am attending MSU...one class, Algebra (God help me) online, and Creative Writing on campus. I lack about 3 -4 semesters before finishing my Elem Ed degree and basically algebra is holding me back. I needed another humanities course because one of my concentrations is in English.
I was a nervous wreck this morning. "Please let this be a class of a hundred people," I thought (my backspace button isn't working right and it is making me MAD. just so you knew.) But nope. I walked into Lee Hall room 206 today to a class of about 12 - 15 CHILDREN. I have a good 10 - 12 yrs on the oldest CHILD in the room. Half of them have a laptop on their desk... i have my little binder and pen. The desks are in this weird "L" formation in the tiny shoebox of a room... most of the desks being on the "long" side, and 4 desks sticking out in front. All of them are about 18 inches apart. OF COURSE I have to squeeze my birthed-four-kids hips into the front row of the dang part sticking out. I immediately pick up my phone to text william. One, to look like I had people that want to talk to me... two, to show I'm "down" with technology. I literally thought I would vomit.
Well in walks the skinny little "dr." that looks about 26 that will be teaching the class. Her syllabus is like 5 -6 pgs front and back and reads like a new yorker article. Oh yeah, and we got to introduce ourselves and tell a little about ourselves.... I cannot tell you how horrifying that was for me. As Dr. Skinny continues to read over her novel, a.k.a syllabus, I feel tears just welling up in my eyes. I honestly had to fight tears. I had 3 forceful emotions wash over me during my little class today.
1. Fear. I have not been this scared in a really long time. I just don't think I'm as smart as I used to be. I do not know if I can do this....especially algebra. Maybe I'm too far gone.... too far removed. I have to present each piece in the writing class I write to the class for criticism. Unbeknown to most people I write a lot. But it is generally thrown away or locked away somewhere deep inside of me. I'm scared of making a fool of myself. I absolutely despise criticism. I know I deserve it...need it... but I hate it. It shuts me down. I'm afraid of what it will do to my approach to my writing. So I'm scared of not being able to do it... and of putting myself out there. I just don't really do that a whole lot.
2. Overwhelmed. I am totally, completely overwhelmed. My house is a wreck. I am coordinating a new children's program at church. I am the PTA Boxtop coordinator for Overstreet Elem. I am taking these two classes. Emily is in soccer. Both girls have homework. I've been asked to paint a mural at a local business that could lead to at least one other, higher profile one. Kirkland needs all the attention she can get. My 5 unbelievable children, hardworking husband, and 3 pets crave my attention. And then I read the intro to Algebra and don't understand a damn thing and then I get this dang novel/syllabus for this class that involves a lot ..... I know people do this all the time but I'm thinking they are better, more organized people that I am!!!
3. Yearning. I felt JC all in that building... the words in the syllabus... the words even coming out of my mouth at times. I haven't taken a writing class without her since I've been married. I need her. I've known I miss her... of course. I had whole counseling sessions about trying to deal with losing her. I lost an ally, I lost one of my best friends, I lost one of the very very few people in this world that understood me all the way to my core. Believe it or not, JC and I were so much alike. I know she was my mother in law.... I Know that there are glaring initial differences. But we completely understood each other. We spent more hours at her house when she was still in Starkville reading my writing... critiquing it, getting off on talks of other literature, movies, thoughts, etc. But even more than the obvious English connections for missing her, I missed that talk I could've had with her after that class. I can imagine calling her and going over that syllabus and repeating all that Dr. Skinny had said. Telling her the examples I gave and hearing her laugh the way she did when I made her laugh and she got that good belly laugh.... her congratulating me on my thoughts. She would've eaten up my telling her about the morning as much as I would've eaten up telling her. I lost someone who truly, truly believed in me. That's a lot to lose. One of the very last nites JC was coherent we had the most meaningful conversation we ever had ... in her broken up talking, trying to get out words... she said more to me than she ever had. She'd been trying to communicate with me and I just wasn't getting it. I got so frustrated because I WANTED to know what she was trying to tell me. I couldn't stand this woman of great words not be able to explain herself to me and I was FURIOUS at myself for not getting it... for not being able to try harder to make it out. I laid my forehead on her hands and just cried. I told her I was so sorry. All of a sudden she lifted my head up so I could look at her and said to me in the very clear JC voice... "Don't you EVER apologize for yourself. Don't you ever apologize to ME. You are everything. You are everything... you are wonderful... my daughter. I love you. Don't EVER apologize for you." I have locked those few sentences away in me forever. In what she could get out... she told me not to apologize for what I am. Everything I need is in me. So everyday I try to hold it... I use it. I constantly apologize for myself, and I shouldn't. I am who I am, and its ok! And when I start getting down on me I think about that nite. And I will do my absolute best to get through this class with only her words in my heart. I will make her proud. Because she loved to take pride in me and the rest of her family. I lost so much when we lost her. But I also hold so much of her in me. I hope I never ever lose the part of me that she helped to form and shape. My God... I miss her so much.
So, here it goes. William and I are starting this little journey without our pepsquad JC. I know she's proud.

By the way, I'm gonna write about the dog and cat tomorrow so I can get past this miserable little entry. :)